


Please Don't Say You Love Me (Cause I Might Not Say It Back)

by Themooncat



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Blood, College Student Tsukishima Kei, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Pining, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 15:55:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26510239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Themooncat/pseuds/Themooncat
Summary: Kei shouldn’t have given Kuroo his number at the end of the training camp.If he didn’t he wouldn’t have fallen deeper in love with the idiot. (Wouldn’t have had the flower develop into a bouquet.)But that made him an idiot too, didn’t it?
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 5
Kudos: 92
Collections: Luna & Noir: KuroTsuki Fest 2020





	Please Don't Say You Love Me (Cause I Might Not Say It Back)

**Author's Note:**

> For Prompt #008: Hanahaki Disease AU where Tsukishima gets the surgery for his hidden feelings for Kuroo.  
> (Not the actual whole prompt as it has some spoilers for the fic)

He was suffocating.

He couldn’t catch his breath.

He was crying from both the pain in his lungs and throat and the pain in his heart.

Each cough cut his throat, the flowers and it’s stems scratching him inside and constricting around his lungs and heart. He was gasping for air but choking on petals.

His ears were ringing from the pain. Tears flowed down his cheeks, joining the blood that pooled on his bedroom floor.

He loves Kuroo and would die for him. But he wouldn’t put him or his family through hardships just because he fell for someone who wouldn’t love him back.

By the time his brother found him in his room, sprawled on the floor, surrounded by flowers and blood. His breathing was dangerously shallow. 

He was rushed to the ICU.

  
Lying there on the medical bed waiting for his surgery to start, – heart beating a mile a minute, which did nothing to alleviate the pain it was already in – all Kei could think about was Tetsurou.

He would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared. He didn’t really want the surgery, he didn’t want to forget about Kuroo, he was scared to lose his love because even though he was still young and “could fall in love again” in the future, deep down, Kei knew that he couldn’t love anyone else as much as he loves Kuroo. But this way he would still be able to see his smile, hear his laugh, his wit and banter. He’d still be able to _see_ Kuroo and be by his side.

“Ok, I’m going to need you to breathe the anesthetic in and count backwards from 10. Can you do that?” A surgeon asked as they placed a mask over his nose and mouth. The surgeon saw the hesitance in his eyes and took it as fear (they weren’t completely wrong) and told him: “When you close your eyes, think of something nice.” That was easier said than done. Kei took a deep breath and slowly counted down. The beeping of his heart monitor loud in his ears, reminding him that this was real. This was really happening.

“Ten…”

But how will he react the next time he sees Kuroo?

“Nine…”

How much of his love will be taken away?

“…eight…”

Kei’s eyes felt heavy. He couldn’t keep them open. His mind was getting groggy and the beeping of the monitor faded and instead he could hear the beating of his heart in his ears.

“…seve-…”

_I love you Tetsurou. I’m sorry._

____  
  


When Kei first met Kuroo Tetsurou he knew he was trouble.

The honey-hazel eyes that demanded his attention, the annoying smirk that made him flush and that ridiculous mess he called hair he wanted to run his hands through were warning signs. He should’ve expected the sharp wit and obnoxious laugh that made his stomach do flips. But the supportiveness and his soft smile were what threw him off.

Kuroo knew how to get a reaction out of him. Kuroo understood him, knew him to the point that he knew exactly what to say.

It pissed him off at first that Kuroo got under his skin and yet he still attended those nightly practices.

Kuroo would find him during the day and come up with some way to make Kei laugh, he was able to suppress it majority of the time but one of his antics got him bursting out laughing hard, loud and carefree.

That was the night it started.

Kei woke up in the middle of the night in a coughing fit. There was something in his throat that he couldn’t seem to get out. He rushed to the bathroom and, after half an hour of coughing that his throat was now irritated, if not sore, a single red petal came out.

He didn’t think anything of it at first. He didn’t think that it came from him. He foolishly thought that the petal might’ve slipped through the window and he had accidentally swallowed it in his sleep. He didn’t want the alternative to be true.

It didn’t help that he didn’t cough anymore until the last night of training camp when he coughed out a whole flower. He sank down on the bathroom floor and cried. He knew instantly whom the flower was for and that it would just get worse.

Kei shouldn’t have given Kuroo his number at the end of the training camp.

If he didn’t he wouldn’t have fallen deeper in love with the idiot. (Wouldn’t have had the flower develop into a bouquet.)

But that made him an idiot too, didn’t it?

Well, he didn’t have to worry about that anymore. Because his seed of love which he had been able to keep hidden for almost three years – a love which only grew and flourished, clung around his heart and lungs like weeds – was cut and ripped from his body. 

________

Tsukishima kept his phone off after the surgery.

Afraid that if he heard Kuroo’s voice, saw his texts or if his thoughts lingered on him too long, he’d feel that familiar itch in his throat again. He knew that he wouldn’t, the surgery took care of that, but after suffering silently for three years he couldn’t help but be afraid.

Because even after the surgery he didn’t feel any different than he did before. The doctor assured him that they had removed all the flowers and that what he was feeling was “perfectly normal” as he still has “the memory of his love. But don’t worry, it’ll fade.”

Because of course Kei couldn’t fall in love like everyone else and only have to deal with the occasional coughing fit here and there, annoying but manageable, for however long the love lasts or until it goes away due to the love being reciprocated.

No, Kei’s love for Kuroo was now the fifth rare case of Hanahaki where the love was so strong it was slowly killing the host.

_Pathetic._

Kei was glad he had the surgery, he didn’t ever want for Kuroo to find out and feel guilty for not loving him back. It wasn’t Kuroo’s fault, it wasn't anyone’s fault but his own. He tried many times during the three years to move on, tried his best to fall out of love or love someone else, but he couldn’t.

The doctor gave him some advice to ensure the Hanahaki would stay away. “Just a precaution” they said. They advised him to “Take some time away, maybe a month or two, from the one you loved. Give yourself some time to heal.”

Kei didn’t know if it was just a phantom feeling or if it was because it hadn’t been long after his surgery, but his heart clenched at the word “loved”. Past tense. A bitter reminder his love was taken away.

Before he was discharged, the doctor asked, “Would you like to see the flowers? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, we just ask as some people do want to see them. They see the flowers as some form of closure.”

Kei already knew what flowers he had growing inside him and what they stood for. He saw them everyday for three years, mocking him, a clear sign that his love was hopeless. And yet he nodded.

A nurse came in shortly after with a large basin of flowers. In the basin were Red Roses for True Love and Passion, and White Chrysanthemums for Loyalty and devoted love. And Baby’s Breath: Everlasting love, trust and innocence. 

They were still stained with his blood, persistent patches that refused to wash away. The sight of it all caused a tear to run down his cheek. They were beautiful, painful but beautiful.

_____  
  


Kei was able to go three and a half weeks before Kuroo came to Sendai unannounced.

Kei was in the middle of practice with the Sendai frogs volleyball team when he caught sight of Kuroo in the bleachers. He froze. His heart didn’t flutter, his stomach didn’t flip. Nothing.

He felt empty.

It was as if Kei was looking at someone he both knew at heart and yet forgot about at the same time.

It felt wrong.

He tore his gaze away from Kuroo and focused on the game, he could feel his eyes on him but brushed it off.

Kei tried to sneak out of the changing room but Kuroo was waiting for him at the door, a hopeful smile on his face. Well, he had to face him sometime.

“Hey, Tsukki. I uh-.” Kuroo had a cautious smile on his face as he shifted in place. “I haven’t heard from you in a while and was worried. How- how’ve you been?”

Kei didn’t like the look on Kuroo’s face. He knew he should’ve at least told Kuroo that he needed some time away instead of cutting him off completely.

“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry.” Kei put on, what he hoped was, a reassuring smile on his face. “I just needed some time off. I wanted to focus on my studies, especially since I just started on the Sendai Frogs team. I should’ve told you but I completely forgot.”

Kuroo seemed to believe it as he gave a relieved sigh, his smile looking more genuine and happy.

“Oh! Right! Of course, that’s understandable. I’m so happy for you. This team is lucky to have you.” Kuroo’s eyes looked softer and, dare he say it, affectionate when he said those words.

“I can’t wait to see you in their frog green uniform.” Kuroo snickered, making Kei sputter indignantly before weakly defending himself and the team’s stylistic decisions. Kuroo guffawed as he walked alongside Kei, swinging an arm around the blond’s shoulders. 

And just like that Kei knew that he’d be fine. He was still Kuroo’s friend and he can remain by his side.

_________

Things were going smoothly, they hung out more often now that Kei didn’t have to worry about coughing up petals. And if his heart pinched in a way that he couldn’t explain when he was with or thinking about Kuroo, he brushed it off. It was probably nothing anyway.

2 years have gone by. Kei tried dating but they never felt right and so he eventually stopped trying. There was one person that lasted for a little over two months, the longest relationship he’d had. But they broke it off, as they knew that Kei didn’t feel the same and wanted someone who loved them just as much as they did. Kei didn’t fight for them, they were right, Kei knew he liked them enough to date them but he wasn’t sure if he would, or could, call it love. He enjoyed his time with them but didn’t really see a future with them. It wasn’t fair to them so he let them go. That ended 3 months ago.

He told himself that he would love again; he just needed time. If he thought of Kuroo, well, that was just because he noticed how Kuroo seemed to have stopped dating a couple of months back.

He hopes Kuroo would find someone. Someone who would cherish him and love him as he deserves, who would understand him and love him despite his sass, his hyena laugh and his untamable hair. Someone who won’t take his shit but at the very core has a heart of gold. 

If his eyes stung and teared up he told himself that it was because he forgot to blink.

________   
  


Kei had just finished his last class, his teacher let them out 20 minutes early, and he happily packed up his things. He decided to find Kuroo and surprise him, the elder having told him earlier that he’d wait for Kei near the campus football field, so that they could watch a movie together for their usual hang out.

He found Kuroo sitting on a bench that was between a storage unit and the field’s bathroom. He was still wearing his suit, minus the jacket, showing he had just come from his work. Kei walked slowly and quietly towards Kuroo, remembering a time during training camp when Kuroo would search for Kei, finding him (read: surprising him) up on the hill alone. They would just talk underneath a tree, watching the sunset. The setting sun made Kuroo glow just as it did now, the only difference was that Kei’s heart didn’t race. It didn’t dance. He didn’t have the ache in his chest or the itch in his throat. But the sight still filled his chest with warmth and he couldn’t help but smile. If his heart beat a little funny, it was because he didn’t want to get caught.

But then Kuroo coughed.

A hard, ugly cough that caused Kei to stop dead in his tracks.

He knew that sound. The hoarse, choked hacking cough that he himself has made for 3 years and had hoped to never hear from Kuroo.

Kei forced himself to move. With trembling legs Kei walked closer until he could see the petals on the ground. Petals he had seen before, petals he had hoped to never see again were coming out from Kuroo’s mouth. But the most shocking thing was that Kuroo wasn’t looking at anyone on the field.

No, Kuroo was looking at his phone. Specifically a picture of him, Tsukishima Kei, looking annoyed but fond as he wore his Sendai frog uniform, Kuroo smiling with an arm around Kei’s shoulders.

“…kuroo?” Kei’s voice was barely above a whisper. Kuroo didn’t seem to hear him as another coughing fit worked through his body, ugly and raw. Kuroo shot up from the bench and ran to the bathroom, completely missing Kei standing behind him a few feet away.

Kei didn’t follow him. He wouldn’t know what to say. He knew what it was like. He knew that if Kuroo ever caught him 2 years ago he wouldn’t want Kuroo to say anything. Didn’t want to hear Kuroo’s guilt or his pity, or worse have him feel _obligated_ to return his feelings.

The thing was, Kei wants to return it. But after the surgery – After denying and suppressing every potential sign of love – He can’t, no matter how much he wants to.

Kei was so scared of seeing the petals, scared of Kuroo finding out about his feelings that he was the reason why Kuroo was suffering now.

He watched the forgotten phone’s screen fade to black.

Kei felt something wet run down his cheek and quickly wiped it away. He sniffled and removed his glasses to wipe his eyes dry before putting them back on. Just in time, as not long after Kuroo came out of the bathroom and paused when he saw Tsukishima. But Kuroo immediately put on a big smile and jogged back to the bench as if he hadn’t been coughing his lungs out moments ago.

“Hey, Tsukki! You’re early! So should we get going?” He asked as he picked up his things, snatching his phone up and pocketing it. “We can get some dinner on the way to my apartment.”

“Y-yeah. Sure” Kei forced himself to speak, not wanting Kuroo to know he knew. He managed a small smile and let Kuroo pull him to his side with an arm around his shoulder. Kuroo tells Kei he’d love the movie he rented for them.  
  


Kei had a great time with Kuroo, he always did. He smiled and laughed the most when he was with him and there was never a dull conversation. But today he was a bit distracted, the scene from the field was still on his mind and he didn’t know how to approach it. When they were watching the movie he barely paid attention to the screen. He was thankful that Kuroo liked a dark room, to replicate a cinema theater, as he was able to watch Kuroo until Kuroo shot up from the couch and ran for the bathroom. He heard the dreaded retching and followed him to the bathroom.

Kuroo was on the floor, his torso leaning over the bathtub as he let the water run, washing away the bile and speckles of blood. Floating in the stream and hovering over the drain were forget-me-nots, red rose petals and white chrysanthemum petals. 

Kei was just as affected as the first time he saw it. His chest tightened, his heartbeat pounding in his ears. He never wanted Kuroo to be in this situation. _No._

He ran to Kuroo’s side and pulled him into a hug – ignoring the wet spots now soaking into his own clothes – crying into his shoulder as he cursed himself.

“I’m sorry.” Kei sobbed as tears rolled down his face. “I’m so sorry Tetsurou.”

Kuroo’s breath caught at the sound of his name on Kei’s lips before he let out a weak laugh and stroked Kei’s hair, as his other arm pulled the blond closer to him. “It’s not your fault Kei. I-”

Kei growled cutting Kuroo off, not wanting Kuroo to think that he pitied him – That was the last thing he ever wanted Kuroo to think! 

“No! That’s not-!” Kei hugged Kuroo tighter and took a few breaths to steady himself before he continued. “I had the surgery.” He admitted, his voice clear and steady. He felt Kuroo stiffen beneath him and he clenched his eyes shut. “I got it 2 years ago. I have- had loved you for 3 years. But my love was killing me, I had to get surgery.” Kei took in a shaky breath as he tried to suppress the sob he felt bubbling up. “But even then, even after they took out the flowers growing in me, my heart would still skip a beat, I still think of you and smile and it felt as if nothing had changed…” Kei finally opened his eyes to look at Kuroo. Saw the sad and guilty look on Kuroo’s face. An ache he thought he’d never feel again wrapped around his chest. “But everything did.”

Kuroo looked down, he was looking at nothing in particular he just needed to process what he’d just been told.

Kei’s heart clenched painfully at the silence. He glanced at the bathroom door wondering if he should leave when Kuroo’s hands wrapped around his. Grounding him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I-…” Kuroo sighed and gave Kei’s hand a little squeeze. “I know you probably don’t want to hear that, _I know_. I just can’t help but think how things could’ve been different had I been more honest with my feelings.”

Kuroo looked up, finally, and at Kei’s confused face smiled a little regretfully. “I started to fall for you during your senior year but I didn’t think you saw me as anything more than a friend, let alone if you liked men. And I didn’t want to risk losing you, if I did confess and got rejected, so I distracted myself. Ignored my feelings and told myself that you deserve someone better. I dated other people or focused on my studies and getting a job. And I was all right for a while, until it stopped working, I couldn’t help but think of you at every moment of the day, I’d compare my dates to you or wish that you were the one with me instead… Then 6 months ago I coughed out my first petal. And I knew what that meant, I knew I could get surgery to stop it, or even some pills to tame it, but I didn’t want to. The flowers were my love for you and though sad, they were beautiful.” Kuroo laughed as tears rolled down his face. He looked down at their hands and rubbed his thumb on Kei’s hand. “I know you had the surgery, so I know you won’t- you can’t feel the same… but I love you, and I’m already happy with just knowing that at one point you loved me too.”

Kei squeezed Kuroo’s hand and bit his lip, he wanted to ask Kuroo if they could try to be together, but that wasn’t fair on Kuroo. So he just told him “We will be ok. I just want you to promise me that if, and this is a big _if_ , your Hanahaki gets worse, if it gets to the point where it’s going to kill you, get the surgery. I can’t-…” Kei choked and had to take a deep shaky breath to calm down. “I can’t lose you.”

Kuroo nodded, pulled Kei into a hug and promised him he would.

Kei stayed the night. He didn’t want to leave Kuroo alone, nor did he want to be alone, and thankfully Kuroo let him.

Kei stayed on the couch, he insisted despite Kuroo telling him to take his bed. He wanted the couch because that way he would know and help Kuroo when he had a coughing fit during the night.

After his third visit to the bathroom Kuroo didn’t go back to his room, he joined Kei on the living room couch and Kei held him in his arms; cradling the man he wanted so badly to love again.

  
They still hung out, Kuroo didn’t want to stop seeing Kei and Kei had to admit he wanted to keep seeing Kuroo too, but he did initially tell Kuroo that it probably wasn’t wise. But after hearing a wrecked “Please” from Kuroo, he gave in. 

They both fell back into their routine easily, but there was a slight tense feeling for the first few hangouts. Kei expected that, but Kuroo always managed to help break the tension so it never became something more than just a lingering feeling. But other than that he and Kuroo were okay so he didn’t mind it much. 

They still hung out during the week, Kei noticed how Kuroo excused himself to the bathroom less often than he did in the past and realised that they were signs that he had missed. But he was quite proud; Kuroo was just as good at hiding it as he had been a few years back.

Kuroo would still show up when he could to Kei’s practices and matches with the Sendai Frogs and Kei would pick Kuroo up from his work when they had their evening hangouts. They didn’t stay overnight anymore, Kuroo asked once, two weeks after the incident, but it caused Kei to freeze. He lost his voice, his hands trembled and his heart squeezed tightly, remembering the sight of Kuroo hunched over the tub and the mocking flowers that floated there. Knowing he was the cause. 

He shook his head no and Kuroo didn’t ask anymore. 

– Two Months Later –

The Sendai frogs had a game and Kuroo was in the stands cheering him on, he had a frog painted on each cheek, was wearing a green shirt with his number, 17, on it and had a giant poster that read: “KEI’S #1 FAN!!” Kei spotted him easily in the crowd and he had to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing but he couldn’t stop the blush, the warmth that bloomed in his chest, or the way his heart fluttered.

_Wait, that can’t be right?_

Kuroo waved enthusiastically when he realized Kei was looking at him and Kei sent a small wave back before joining his team on the court. He could hear Kuroo’s voice throughout the game, the cheers of encouragement and he could tell that Kuroo was looking at no one else but him. When he was swapped out he looked at Kuroo and sure enough, the brunette wasn’t looking at the game, he was looking directly at Kei, as if Kei was the only thing that mattered in the world. Kei’s heart beat wildly in his chest as he held Kuroo’s gaze. His hands gripped the hem of his shirt tight. He was confused. Scared.

He knew what he was feeling, they were feelings that he hasn’t felt in a long time but he didn’t know what to make of it because they shouldn’t be possible. He forced himself to look away.

He focused on the game and played his best, or as best as he could.

They still won and even as his team pulled him into a celebratory hug – He and Kyoutani complained the entire time but they both had a blush that contradicted their words – his eyes found Kuroo and he smiled, a happy but small and cautious smile.

When the team broke to greet their fans and friends Kei walked straight to Kuroo. His heart was beating madly in his chest and his stomach was doing flips. He didn’t expect Kuroo to pull him into a tight hug but he found himself returning it, wrapping his arms around Kuroo and tucking his face in the crook of his neck.

Kuroo gushed about how great Kei was and how much he had improved, he teased Kei about his mistakes though and with a flustered blush Kei tried to defend himself without telling Kuroo that he was the reason he was distracted.

  
Kuroo waited for Kei to change and walked with him to the train station, walking close together their shoulders would brush against each other. They were talking about Bokuto and Akaashi moving in together. Kuroo laughed about the ridiculous things he helped Bokuto move into the apartment that he was surprised Akaashi allowed.

“Love is blind and makes people do crazy things.” Kei chuckled.

They sort of fell into silence after that comment and Kei was about to break it when suddenly Kuroo said: “There’s no more flowers.”

Kei tripped and Kuroo had to catch him around his waist to stop him from face planting on the floor. Kuroo steadied him but Kei couldn’t look at Kuroo’s face when he asked “What?” Scared of what emotion was expressed on his face.

“I’ve stopped coughing, is what I meant. I haven’t seen a single petal or flower for almost a month now.”

Kei’s heartbeat was pounding in his ears. He didn’t know if the reason for that was because of what he had felt tonight during the game or if it was because Kuroo had moved on. A voice in him was telling him he knew the answer; he was just scared to acknowledge it.

Kuroo cleared his throat and Kei saw him shift his feet nervously. Kuroo brought his hands up and cupped Kei’s face, slowly and gently lifting it so he could look into Kei’s eyes when he told him: “I still love you, that hasn’t changed. But I don’t want to get my hopes up and assume that maybe, by some miracle, you have. But I am brave enough to ask if you’d give me a chance and go out with me on a date?”

Kuroo’s eyes were open and vulnerable, scared but hopeful, as they looked right at Kei. Kei’s heart danced and he bit his lip as he thought hard about his answer. He could feel his face heat up and knew the tip of his ears were red. But the thing was Kei didn’t have to think about it. He knew that something in him changed, that even when he got rid of his love for Kuroo all those years ago, Kei had fallen for him all over again. Kei smiled. “Yes.” He laughed, tears of joy just glistened in the corner of his eyes.

Kuroo smiled so wide Kei thought his cheeks must hurt but Kuroo just laughed and hugged Kei again before he cleared his throat and let Kei go, his face flushed red, taking a few steps back so they could continue to the train station. They walked beside each other, both with matching shy but happy smiles. 

Kuroo had to bite his lip to stop himself from grinning like an idiot when Kei linked their hands together. But Kuroo did give Kei’s hand a squeeze and started talking about a new dinosaur exhibition that was opening at the museum in a few weeks time. 

–––– Years Later –––

When Kei saw the flowers he and Tetsurou had once shared, a couple of years back, in a florist’s window display along the street he stopped and smiled. Absently tracing a finger over the gold band on his ring finger.

An arm wound it's way around his waist and Kei smiled as Tetsurou kissed his cheek. Kei turned his head to kiss his husband properly and as they walked past the shop Kei couldn't help but think: “They really are beautiful flowers.”

**Author's Note:**

> Flower Meanings:  
> Forget-me-nots: True Love.  
> Red Roses: True Love, Passion  
> White Chrysanthemums: Loyalty and devoted love.  
> Baby’s Breath: Everlasting love, trust and innocence.


End file.
